MEDIA MATTERS

Hurricane Irma Exposes Cable News Networks

CNN and other cable news networks found that the worst Hurricane Irma devastation was not in Florida but in a worse place: their credibility.  After convincing the nation that Irma would devour the entire state of Florida, the hurricane fizzled in the Caribbean and left the hysterical media red-faced.  [More] 

IN THE TOILET

Houston Mayor Orders Residents to Flush More

In an executive order that conflicts with conventional wisdom and modern environmental ethics, Houston Mayor orders residents to flush their toilets more to help clear out floodwaters.  [More]

 

RIDE SHARING

The Top Ten Complaints About Uber and Lyft

With more and more people relying on so-called ride sharing provided by powerhouses Uber and Lyft, not all is perfect in the world.  The LBT's resident curmudgeon Charles C. Schultz sounds off on his top ten complaints.  [More]

RIGHTIST TRUMP

The Expert: Rumored Autistic Barron Trump Shakes D.C. To Its Core

Barron Trump, the 11-year-old son of the president, arrived in D.C. wearing a now famous T-shirt bearing the message “The Expert.”  D.C. watchers claim that this message was not a mere accident.  Barron may be bringing a powerful, far-right influence into the West Wing.  [More]

 

The 10 11 Types Of Single Women Over The Age of 30

 

Widely known as the finest dating and romance coach on the West Coast, M. Rudolph Katzenberg has been helping single women past their “best served by” date find love since 2003. Many of his distinguished alumnae have had a baby and then divorced, received highly favorable marital dissolution agreements or just had a fully-paid nice meal with an inoffensive suitor.  Katzenberg is the author of “A Commonsense Guide to Dating After You’re Approaching Menopause.”


I serve single women over 30 and sometimes even over 40.  A little tough love is in often in order for these ladies.  Find me a group of 30-plus-year-old single women and I’ll pick out one nearly naked party girl with discus-shaped fake boobs, a divorcee who abandoned her husband and children because she felt vaguely “not happy,” and a few who tell people they are “building” their “careers” but are really building a list of hunky single men that pump and dump them.

If you want a study in humanity, 30-plus-year-old single women pretty much have all the bases covered.  Let’s examine each of the most common types:

1) The Restless [Ex-]Wife

Look out dutiful dads and cherubic children.  Restless ex-wives make up a large portion of single women over 30.  These women read some book, watched some movie or listened to some college professor and concluded that if they are not terribly, almost unbearably happy absolutely all the time their poor husband must be to blame.  They also believe that those little looks they get at the gym mean that they can hit Match.com and date Ryan Goslings twin brother.

Try streaming the awful movies Peggy Sue Got Married or It’s My Turn.  Or perhaps you had better just take my word.  Both these movies are remarkable in that the female protagonist ditches her caring, decent spouse or boyfriend for the elusive and mysterious “bad boy.”

This was a fine message in the ‘70s and ‘80s.  But who knew that our young women would eventually absorb all this toxic nonsense a generation later without any refinement by their overindulgent parents?  In practice today, this ethos has created chaos.  It’s a train wreck for all concerned.

2) The Hussy

Who says that dancing on bars is for strippers?  Now that the 20s – and even the 30s in larger cities – are the designated time for single women to “explore” and “discover” themselves (including their endless libidos) dancing on bars is for any hussy young enough not to hurt her back while climbing onto the bar.  Hussies usually have boob jobs, and when they do they make sure that you never forget their gravity-defying appliances.  One of G-d's most beautiful creations gets replaced without a second thought with boobs that have as much individuality as a lit up McDonald's sign off the interstate.

Of course, hussies also like to litter their bodies with tattoos in languages they don’t understand.  It’s their proxy for religion.  By 30, they look road weary and used up.  Their future does not look good without either looks or a way to make a good living.  Adopting a pit bull and attending daily yoga classes are their only refuge from many decades of loneliness.

3) The Fitness Girl

She is strong.  She is independent.  She believes that muscle definition in a woman is sexy and harbors a vague notion that it will ward off infertility.  You might see the Fitness Girl striding along the main drag of your town.  More likely, you will find her breed on a treadmill at the gym running at a high and steady pace for hours.  Is she ever getting off that thing?  What, oh, what is she running from?

On closer inspection, the soft, subtle skin of the Fitness Girl's youth is gone. She looks like Linda Hamilton from Terminator 2...  20 years later!  If anyone told her she was any less sexy at 38 than she was at 22, she would call the offender mad.  Look at what great shape she is in!  Hope will never die so long as she keeps astride that treadmill – or so she thinks.

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