RIGHTIST TRUMP

Rumored Autistic Savant Barron Trump Shakes D.C. To Its Core

Barron Trump, the 11-year-old son of the president, arrived in D.C. wearing a now famous T-shirt bearing the message “The Expert.”  D.C. watchers claim that this message was not a mere accident.  Barron may be bringing a powerful, far-right influence into the West Wing.  [More]

HAIRY SITUATION

Lebron James' Generous Teammates Pitch In With Hair Donations 

Entering the NBA Finals, the only opponent that seems to have the better of NBA superstar Lebron James is his hairline. His doctor says he is out of donor hair from the back of his head. Trapped in a corner, his teammates are hoping to bail him out by donating their own follicles.  [More]

 

Kelly Files For Divorce Against Giffords After Months Of Public Split - [Satire]

 

Editor's note: The LBT recently received a cease and desist letter from attorneys representing Ms. Giffords and Mr. Kelly disputing the facts in the below story.  A copy of that letter may be viewed by clicking below:

 

After an in-depth investigation, it has become evident that Ms. Mabry invented some or all of the facts in this story. Apparently, Ms. Mabry thinks this article passes for satire.  Well, one woman's vulgarity is another woman's lyric as our Supreme Court once said [paraphrasing].

We are also concerned that Ms. Mabry's story regarding California's plan to institute legalized gambling and prostitution on its planned bullet trains to finance their construction might contain inaccuracies.  See here.

A committee will be meeting next week in order to decide whether to censure Ms. Mabry.  If Ms. Mabry is censured, The LBT will issue a formal reprimand against her which will be recorded in The LBT's official register.

Published October 12, 2013

Updated October 13, 2013

By DONNA MABRY

Another fairytale marriage apparently will end in divorce.  Astronaut Mark Kelly filed for divorce yesterday from U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords citing irreconcilable differences as the cause.

For avid Giffords-watchers, the split comes as little surprise.  Giffords began traveling and making appearances without Kelly around last July.  Some believed that Kelly’s decision to resume his command of the space shuttle was the catalyst that split them apart.

One anonymous friend of Kelly said that Giffords’ career got in the way of their marriage.  “After Gabby was shot, everything became about her and her recovery,” said the friend.  “Before she paid attention to Mark’s career and after she didn’t care about his command.  Like all that mattered was getting in front of the camera.”  Giffords’ injury also has not helped matters, said the friend.  “She used to be funny and liked to party but now she only wants to rest.”

The Giffords camp has a much different story.  According to an anonymous friend of the congresswoman, Kelly cannot deal with her new notoriety.  “Gabby had an opportunity to become more famous and she took advantage of it,” said the Giffords ally.  “I think Mark’s ego can’t handle Gabby being more important than him.”

 “She used to be funny and liked to go out but now she only wants to rest.”

While it seems apparent that Giffords must tend to her recovery, she reportedly has undergone personality changes.  “Since the shooting, she likes to sing constantly,” said another Kelly backer.  “But it’s not like she got a special talent to sing like she’s an idiot savant,” she said.  “She just sings all the time and it’s annoying for Mark.”

Neither Kelly nor Giffords responded to requests for comment.

MS. GIFFORD'S ATTORNEYS WANT US TO MAKE IT CLEAR THIS IS SATIRE UNTIL OUR INTERNAL INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETE.