RIGHTIST TRUMP

Rumored Autistic Savant Barron Trump Shakes D.C. To Its Core

Barron Trump, the 11-year-old son of the president, arrived in D.C. wearing a now famous T-shirt bearing the message “The Expert.”  D.C. watchers claim that this message was not a mere accident.  Barron may be bringing a powerful, far-right influence into the West Wing.  [More]

HAIRY SITUATION

Lebron James' Generous Teammates Pitch In With Hair Donations 

Entering the NBA Finals, the only opponent that seems to have the better of NBA superstar Lebron James is his hairline. His doctor says he is out of donor hair from the back of his head. Trapped in a corner, his teammates are hoping to bail him out by donating their own follicles.  [More]

 

Tuesday
Apr022013

For Canine Viewers, Kevin Ware's Compound Fracture Was A 'Slam Dunk'

NEW YORK – The Louisville Cardinal’s reserve guard Kevin Ware has a slew of new fans.  They are not, however, your average fans – they all walk on four legs.  Indeed, they are canines.

Ware was injured after attempting to block a shot in the Cardinals' regional final victory over Duke. The sight of his tibia bone protruding from his skin left coach Rick Pitino and his teammates in tears.  CBS aired two quick replays Sunday from a wide enough distance for viewers to see the leg land awkwardly and bone protruding but not any blood.  It hasn't been shown since on CBS.

While most human viewers felt revulsion, many of their furry companions start salivating.  “Rufus practically jumped through the TV,” said Jeremy Givens-Wright of Santa Marino, owner of a seven-year-old Weimaraner, after the footage aired.  “Rufus loves natural, uncooked meat bones,” said Givens-Wright.  “Once he saw Ware’s shin bone he knew what it was.”  The only way for Givens-Wright to calm down Rufus was to toss him a beef bone that was in the refrigerator.

Rufus loves natural, uncooked meat bones.”

Even the little dogs got into the act.  “Oh, my god, Sasha went crazy,” said Jennifer Kelly, owner of five-year-old Miniature Pinscher.  “I’ve seen him go crazy for cats on TV but never a bone on TV,” she said.

Santa Marino College professor of canine behavioral sciences Barbara Welts said that dogs can see humans as a food source under the right conditions.  “Dogs find bones irresistible, simple as that,” she said.  “If Mr. Ware had a dog by the court, it might lick his face to make sure he’s OK and then run off the court with his tibia in tow,” she said.

Ware was operated on later Sunday and is expected to watch Louisville's Final Four appearance Saturday from the bench in Atlanta.  His bone is back in his leg, and he will have a lifetime to savor a regional championship.  For dogs all over the U.S., they will have to savor Ware’s bones on YouTube and settle for chomping down on ribs de bovine.