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Lebron James' Generous Teammates Pitch In With Hair Donations 

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Sunday
Jan202013

Opinion: Former "Friend" Jennifer Aniston Is Not Hot And Her Future Looks Grim

STAFF OPINION

 

Let us get one thing straight: Jennifer Aniston is not hot.  Cute, cuddly, likable, perhaps.  One thing she is not, however, is “hot.”

It is a national conspiracy that Ms. Aniston has been so often classified as hot.  More on this later.

It has been nearly 20 years since Jennifer Aniston first graced our television screens in “Friends.”  Back then she had a nifty haircut, a quick wit and a shapely physique.  Her breasts did her proud, but she was never hot.

What is not so hot about her?  First, she is Greek by birth.  Have you ever met any “hot” Greek women?  Please take a week and let our staff know if you can think of any.  Even that supposedly “hot” Olympic runner that was barred from the Olympics looks slightly… odd.

As for our Grecian second or third favorite “Friend,” she has a large, pointy chin.  She has jutty jaws that make Dwayne Wade envious.  She has a broad nose and tiny eyes.  (Even if her eyes are blue they are not attractive.)  Her features are downright mannish.

Come the late-90s, Ms. Aniston’s wavy hair never seemed quite right.  She lightens it, but it seems obvious that it does not fit her.  Nonetheless, if it were its natural color she would look like any other over-aged, L.A. single woman on Match.com looking to “settle down” after a life of chasing Brad Pitts.

How have the years treated Ms. Aniston?  They have treated her the same as any fit but only moderately attractive white woman.  Her skin has none of its youthful luster.  Whatever curves she had seem to have tamed themselves like those of a mid-80s Corvette -- merely a faint echo of its glorious past.

So why does the media go on and on about how hot Ms. Aniston is?  Men’s Health voted her “Hottest Woman of All Time” in December 2011.  Amazing.  This year she ranked 5th, according to Men’s Health.  Both of these ranking are travesties.

Where does all this come from?  Why are we told this average-looking, aging woman is a once in a generation beauty?  

By calling Jennifer Aniston “hot,” feminists elevate their own wrinkly-eyed selves.  

The media attempts to drive opinion that Ms. Aniston is hot because she is a symbol for every over-the-hill single woman holding out for their bad boy rock star or sacrificing their youth to a senseless climb up a pathetic corporate ladder.  As such, she is a feminist hero. 

Ms. Aniston even said to the media that she would rank feminist Gloria Steinem as the sexiest woman of all time above Bridget Bardot or herself.  That tells you we are not dealing in reality.

By calling Jennifer Aniston “hot,” feminists elevate their own wrinkly-eyed selves.  They try to even the playing field -- if only in their minds -- to the 25-year-old starlets that make Jennifer Aniston look like a prostitute who works out of a trailer around the block from a strip club you will not admit to patronizing.

It is time that we all take a look at Ms. Aniston, and all aging feminists take a look at themselves.  Do we really see hotness?  Or do we see something else?