Schultz: Why I Hate Boobs Jobs

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By CHARLES C. SCHULTZ

Nature has much to teach us.  If one goes on a nature hike and opens up to his surroundings, he will notice a constant flow of beautiful sights.  Birds, flowers, trees and meadows abound.  Consider when the seasons change and we have so many wonderful fall colors.  Each and every leaf is different – a work of individual splendor.

Probably around the time mankind lifted its belly from the muck and began walking upright, female breasts levitated into Nature’s elite class of beautiful creations.  Studies have shown that the world's most beautiful women have very similar facial features.  But breasts are different.  Even the finest looking breasts have their own unique contours.  That is partly why we love them.

If Mr. Rogers ever meets a set of breasts in heaven, he would sing his “You Are Special” song: “You make each day a special day.  There’s only one [set of knockers] in this whole world like you.”

So now we must ask ourselves what sort of derangement has beset our women that they hack away at their pearly white breast skin and insert these preposterous bladders into their bosoms?  When women have their unique breasts that are beautiful in their own way and fit their bodies they nevertheless ruin them. In the end they make themselves look like whores created on an assembly line.  Why?

Admittedly, a young woman with a tasteful boob job can look flattering.  Emphasis on the work “look.”  By the second date with such woman, a pall sets over your lustful heart.  Those boobs that looked so inviting feel like discus-shaped air mattresses wrapped in a thin layer of breastly skin.

On older women, fake breasts reveal themselves before being touched.  While the rest of her body ages – perhaps even gracefully – her boobs stand at attention.  Rather than flatter her, fake boobs make her look foolish.

Many women that go under the knife neglect the fact that A and B cups age quite well.  So long as a small-chested woman stays thin, she can have an attractive, natural body into her 40s.

Ah, but so many falter.  We all have seen breasts that show their Made by Dow-Corning lineage through the skin.  These breasts look like their goofball owners stuffed Big Macs inside their chests.

In the sack, playing with fake boobs is an otherworldly experience.  At least with masturbation, the thing we clutch onto is an animate object -- even if it’s on our body.  Fondling a boob job is like squeezing Nerf football and having to pretend you’re deriving sexual satisfaction from it.  Of course, many fake boobs are as responsive as Nerf footballs.  If you suck on the tip of a Nerf football, does anything happen?  Well, keep doing it and pretend something is.  Feel silly yet?

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