2. Don’t Be Cheesy
Once upon a time, Italians cooked our Italian. Chinese cooked our Chinese. Japanese cooked our Japanese. Jews manned the deli slicer. Now you -- our stout friends from Latin America -- do all of it! We almost can’t blame you little guys for applying your Oaxacan cooking sensibilities to our food preparation. This is why you must be told: cool it with the cheese. Yes, yes, a certain segment of the U.S. population can’t get enough cheese. The ones you are cooking for, on the other hand, want their food cooked with more precision.
If we were impoverished peasant villagers, more would always be better. But we are not so it is not.
If you are uncertain about how much cheese to put on our food, err on the side of too little. Cheese is never the highlight of our cuisine. Even adding cheese to cheesecake would be offensive. Don’t ruin the main event by drowning it in grated Parmesan. If it makes you feel better, grate the last bit on the counter next to the plate. Take it home with you to impress your family. Just cut it out already and stop messing up our food!
3. Don’t Crowd Out Our TV And Radio Stations.
This is a sensitive one I know, friends. You are a long way from home, and oompah music makes you feel good. You also like to listen to talk radio, just like we do. Please, take a deep breath because I’m just going to have to rip off the proverbial band-aid. That’s just an idiom. No, I’m not calling you an idiot. An idiom is a saying, it does not mean idiot. Just listen, please...
When we cycle through our TV and radio stations and hear primarily Mexicans speaking Spanish, we feel like we are under… under conquest. Now I know this is not true, and some of the liberals among us even feel warm and fuzzy inside knowing that we are sharing our land with you. To them, absorbing millions of Latinos means Maria and Luis from Sesame Street. To be honest, many of us feel are feeling a little uneasy.
And then there is your soccer on TV. The World Cup was a blast wasn’t it? That league soccer you watch, on the other hand, is unbearable for us. And your comedies? Men dressed up in chicken outfits? George Lopez? Couldn’t you do better than George Lopez if you’re going to give us an English-speaking comedian? What about your Jews? There must be a Jerry Seinfeld somewhere in Mexico City. An aging Joan Rivera? A random assortment of 100 Jews could yield someone funnier than George Lopez.
How about we just agree that you get your entertainment off of your cell phones from now on? The Obama administration is handing out cell phones. Look into it.
