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Sunday
Feb032013

It Is Time To Admit It: Women Over 30 Years Of Age Are Ugly

 

By CHARLES C. SCHULTZ

Many people that I respect and admire told me that I should not write this column.  They told me that it could cost me my job.  They told me it could cause federal agents to monitor my phones.  They even told me it could cost me my life.  I appreciate their admonitions, but there comes a time when the truth must come out.

Close the door to your cubicle.  If you are on a subway or in line at the grocery store, cup your hand over your cell phone so others cannot see the words that you are about to read.  Let us together chip away at the politically correct veneer that coats our current dating environment and state an ineluctable fact the denial of which has caused great consternation in our society.

Women over 30 are not attractive.

There.  I said it.  No ninjas have jumped through my office window.  No lightning bolts have burst from the sky to cause my body to gyrate and my clothes burn into my skin. 

The sooner we acknowledge the above fact and break the news to our womenfolk, the sooner our society will regenerate a semblance of balance and order.  

We should also admit that women over 35 often are not worthy of even a one night stand much less a huge wedding with a white dress.  [Footnote: women that already have given us children or years of companionship deserve our loyalty, respect and whatever tumescence we can muster for them.]

Yes, yes, yes, there are exceptions to this rule.  We hear so much about these exceptions.  Oh, the exceptions!  Whatever would we ever do without the exceptions?  Lauren Hutton was quite fetching in her 30s.  Same with Christie Brinkley, Cindy Crawford, Angelina Jolie and plenty of other women famous for their outlandishly good looks.  The backers of this pernicious concept of female perpetual youth just love citing the above as though five outliers prove what the data so overwhelmingly shows is false.

So rarely do these same individuals talk about all the women who are unattractive at 30 years of age.  Indeed, many women hit the proverbial “wall” as early as their late-20s.  Not only do women not acknowledge when most of them hit the wall – they deny the existence of the wall itself!

Other backers of perpetual female youth pose a "fairness" hypothesis.  Since men can attract mates in the prime of their lives into their 40s (and above), so should women.  Of course, who said life was fair?  Could men get a free dinner or drink anytime they wanted from ages 18 through 25?  Could reasonably attractive 21-year-old men suck the air out of a room and garner the complete attention of every member of the opposite sex within 30-square yards?  No?  How is that “fair”?

Boundless freedom is all they know.  Those days, however, are gone even if they do not realize it yet.

Today we have a dating market replete with women who waited five or 10 or even 15 years too long to find their own personal George Clooney.  We see them all the time.  You can tell that they could have started wars 10 years ago with their beauty.  Their online dating profiles evoke years of exciting travel and exploration.  Boundless freedom is all they know.  Those days, however, are gone even if they do not realize it yet.

Compounding the problem, our society assures these women that after tiny wrinkles and saggy bosoms have replaced the glow of their youth that they are just as beautiful as before.  They are like the frog dropped in the pot of slowly heated water.  No one warns them as the water heats up.  Instead, our media – hello, Sex and the City – lies to them.  Lies!  Don’t worry about jumping out, froggie.  You will always be safe and beautiful.  That strange sensation you feel, froggie, is not your internal organs boiling inside your body but merely that wonderful sense of satisfaction every woman feels when she is being "strong" and "independent."  Don't change a thing.

A recent scientific study shows that there is much for our elder single women to worry about.

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