RIGHTIST TRUMP

Rumored Autistic Savant Barron Trump Shakes D.C. To Its Core

Barron Trump, the 11-year-old son of the president, arrived in D.C. wearing a now famous T-shirt bearing the message “The Expert.”  D.C. watchers claim that this message was not a mere accident.  Barron may be bringing a powerful, far-right influence into the West Wing.  [More]

HAIRY SITUATION

Lebron James' Generous Teammates Pitch In With Hair Donations 

Entering the NBA Finals, the only opponent that seems to have the better of NBA superstar Lebron James is his hairline. His doctor says he is out of donor hair from the back of his head. Trapped in a corner, his teammates are hoping to bail him out by donating their own follicles.  [More]

 

Monday
Mar112013

Wade-James Duo Slams Competition But Scares Younger Fans By Effects Of PEDs

By BRADFORD MIEHL

 

On Sunday the dynamic duo of Lebron James and Dwyane Wade might have earned their new nickname: the “Monster Mash.”

In the Heat’s contest against the Indianapolis Pacers the ghoulish Monster Mash pulled even in one respect to basketballs greatest player of all time: longest career winning streak. On that count: LeBron/James 18, M.J. 18.

Of course, this 105-91 victory over the Indiana Pacers at AmericanAirlines Arena was about far more than superstar minutiae.  After all, it was the annual “Kid Fan Day” at the arena.  The Heat discounted all tickets sold that are used to admit children under 10.

Lebron James' projected appearance in 2015 based on computer simulations.

About halfway through the second quarter – with the Heat already leading by 12 points – a faint chorus of children crying could be heard from the stands.  As the contest wore on, more and more crying could be heard.  The soft crying sound rose to a din that echoed throughout the arena.  Many parents escorted their inconsolable children from the arena throughout the game and the arena was partially empty after many families did not return after the halftime intermission.

 

Following the game parents sounded off on the source of their children’s angst: the unsettling cranial deformaties of Heat stars James and Wade.  Indeed, this season has seen the brow ridge of James and the jaw line of Wade pump up like balloons.  Although neither James nor Wade formally have acknowledged it, most observers presume the cranial malformations result from the use of performance-enhancing drugs – or “PEDs.”

Hours after the game, Heat GM Pat Riley released a statement defending his superstars: “Our first job to the fans is to win ball games.  Sometimes the way we win games is not pretty whether in terms of play or the side effects of players' fitness treatments.” 

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